Feeling much better. Feeling good.

As much as I hate prednisone, and did not want to be on more, I have to admitt that I feel so much better since I've been taking more. I can stand and walk around and play Rock Band 2 for more than 3 songs. I like being able to move.

Another person I went to high school with is pregnant. Maybe it's just a test of somesort... so that it will be all the much better when it actually happens.

Speaking of tests... I have a weird feeling that something huge is about to happen in my life... spiritually, I mean. I have never been religious. I went to church when I was little, but my family wasn't very into it. And as a young child and teen I didn't believe in a god.

There were periods where I desperatley wanted to. But I didn't.

I like the idea of religion. I like that these people have so much support and family and love around them. That they have a belief that someone is there, with their best interests at heart all the time. And I can't imagine how comforting that must be for them.

I still think parts are crazy. I've been reading a bible from a specific religious group of which I have a crush on (what can I say, I am amazed by some of the things they do).

Part of me worries that Tim will respect me less if I believe in God.

Merry Christmas to you, too...

I had my latest check-up with the all knowing all important Dr.Sheriff. And that wasn't meant to be sarcastic. He really does know alot. I always feel reassured when i leave his office, even when my hopes for the future are dashed away. (Is that phrase right?)

Anyhow, I was determined to mention to him that since I've gotten engaged I've been thinking more and more of babies. Adorable squirmy squishy little versions of Tim and I. (And oh man, do I wish I still had that face-melding software Brianna and I used to see what those babies would look like!!)

Has anyone else noticed that Christmas is an especially baby-filled time of year? And I wasn't even in a weird place for this sort of cross-section of the general public. I was in the mall! Not the Gynecologists office. The mall! And there were so many babies.

Back on topic: I asked the good doctor what would be our options for me having kids down the road, say, by 2012 ish.

All joking aside here - he laughed. Not a big laugh. Not a mean laugh. But sort of a "you-have-to-be-joking-but-oh-wait-you're-not-you're-serious" kind of laugh.

He said it would be hard. Obviously I'd be off all my medications which could very well leave me worse off than pre-meds. I may not be able to walk. It would be the 9 month pregnancy PLUS a 6 month pre-trying period of cleansing my body of the meds.

70% of women with RA experience a sort of remission, where the arthritis gets better during pregnancy.

30% of women get worse. With my luck, this is me!

He said that I'd need lots of support. But it could be done.

I've been feeling sad and angry and just confused as to why things like this happen.

But it always could be worse. He could have said that my uterus was damaged and this would kill me, he could have been cruel about it, he could have refused to even discuss options.

So I'll be happy. I smile every time the light catches my ring (which is often) and for now that is enough.

previous pessimissim

I was reading an old journal post from last year at this time, and I was shocked to see how depressed I sounded. I know that it was an awful event, and I had every right to be sad, but I couldn't believe some of the comments I had written.

I'm still sad about it. Tim always tells me that it wasn't my fault. But whose fault is it then? If it isn't mine?

I guess it's easier now that we're getting married. Because now I can plan when I am going to have my baby. And I will plan for it. And make sure it is healthy.

Sometimes I forget. And I almost mention it to Tim's parents. Sometimes I want to pretend I forget, and mention it to them on purpose.

I look around at all the women I know, and all the women I've only read about who are pregnant, and I get jealous. And sad.

Not sure where I'm going with this.

Bride-zilla! ROAR!

I had my latest infusion on Wednesday. I had to take the day off work to do it, and I felt guilty. But I need this.

I was surprised how much it actually helps. How much better I feel after I have it. Last month there were lots of days when it was difficult to do things, and I feel into kind of a slump around the house. I wasn't tidying up, I wasn't helping contribute. Tim would come home from working all day and I wouldn't have moved off of the couch.

He never complained. He's not like that. But I felt awful about it. So it's better now.

I had the good nurse for my infusion. She got the IV in after the first try, and it was a very relaxed, calm 2 hours.

I found out that they are moving the infusion clinic. To a bigger room! Yay! And we get cable. They really try hard to make the experience a pleasant one.

I spent my last infusion reading bridal magazines. You may call me bridezilla, but I refuse to have a crappy, awful, stressful wedding. I refuse.

All I can say is.... ROAR!