"Medical" leave

As of last week I am finished with work. I am on what is considerd medical leave. This encompasses several different things. But we'll be leaving it vague for now.

I haven't been at work since last Wednesday. Which is really only 3 shifts that I've missed. But I miss it. I miss the kids so much. I was in the toy store today shopping for Ben's birthday present (how he managed to sneak by and be five I'll never know) when I saw a toy that I knew one of our little boys would have loved. I miss all the different personalities, and the sweet and pure caring that they gave. I miss the gentle swarm of hands asking to "pet the baby" a.k.a. rub my pregnant tummy.

As for pregnancy? Maybe it's the stress of leaving work suddenly, but I haven't been feeling great this week. Achy, sore, uncomfortable. I keep telling myself that this HAS to be the biggest I'll get. That there isn't any more ROOM for me to grow more. But deep down I know it's a lie.

Don't stop believing

I am on a quest... for the perfect kareokee song to sing for my bride-to-be friend Sarah. It's her bachelorette party this Saturday and she has chosen to hit the pub for some local talents singing and preforming. And since I recently downloaded and watched the entire first season of glee in four days I am reminded of how much fun I used to have singing in choir. Or listening to the Wellington Choir (because, lets face it, they were always the best.)

In other news, I do not like engraved items. How can you possibly ever do anything with it except throw it out? Maybe I am not a fan of the brushed silver picture frame with gem surrounded hearts spelling me and my husbands names. Did my mother in law ever think of that? No. But there it sits on my computer desk... I can see fingerprints on it. Yuck.

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

I have sensed a change. A deffinite change inside my head. I was at work today, and sometimes when things get a bit crazy for a particular person they will take a mental health bathroom break. Which is understandable. In our feild of work there is something about certain children that make you want to beat the crap out of their parents. (Why oh why anyone can have children with no regulations regarding who drives me crazy!)

So anyways. Today I was feeling like I wanted to take a mental heath bathroom break and I had the thought that instead I should pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. Pray for the knowledge that these children needed something from me to learn good.

I didn't do it. I thought about it. But didn't. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. I still have an issue with the idea of Jesus.

I also realized a change. I heard that someone I knew might be pregnant. Someone who deserved it. Who will be a wonderful mother. And I was happy. Is this because I am on my pregnant path, or because I'm just a better person?

Oh, What a night!

I've been doing some music discovering lately. I had several months where I just listened to my old stale music. But thanks to the very convienient digital radio we get with our cable package I am exposed to new music. Particularily, Paramore and Marina and the Diamonds. Now I do realize Paramore isn't new to me at all. But Marina and the Diamonds certainly are. So there.

I also have rekindled my love for the oldies by downloading some Frankie Vallee and the Four Seasons. We saw a cover group on the honeymoon and both loved it! (www.ohwhatanighttribute.com if you are interested. See them, they are worth it!).

News.. Married life is just the same as non-married life. Except for the fact that I still am amazed that we're actually married. It is truly weird to look at Tim and see a shiny ring on his finger. It's also weird getting used to a new last name. New signature, new initials, new everything! You don't realize how second nature a signature/initial signing is untill you sign the old one when you should sign the new one.

We are currently in the middle of month one of no MTX. Five and a half more months to go :s I've already noticed a difference in my wrists and ankles. I'm hoping this isn't a sign of things to come later on. But the baby at the end of this all will make it better!

Daycare annecdote for the post: NONE! Today was my day off!

Dissapointed?

I know when I check other people's blogs and they haven't updated in 15 days I get a little frustrated. Why aren't they posting? What is going on??

So I appoligise to anyone who was upset by this.

News: I have NOT caught H1N1. Although several children in my daycare have been diagnosed with it. I do currently have some sort of cold that dislikes me. We'll see what happens.

My wedding dress has arrived. As in MY dress! Not a store sample that hundreds of girls have tried on... MY gown! The one Tim will see and be amazed by. Absolutely stunned.

I also have a new week and a half old nephew named Kadyn! Pronouced Kay-den, for those of you who might be confused. He is adorable, which isn't confusing. And I am so completely jealous I would love to take him home. I was teasing Tim that I wouldn't take him, because he is a boy and I want a girl.

"Yeah right." He said scornfully. "If someone came up to you and said, 'This boy baby or NO baby.' You would take him."

"Absolutely." I said. People very rarely give away free babies. Although I used to have daydreams that while I was hanging my arms out the car window a baby would fall from the sky from a plane and they would let me keep it because I saved it from smushing onto the ground. Dreams die hard, hey?

Speaking of dreams... I had three in a row where my oldest younger brother was angry at me. Which is silly, because he's not. None of my brothers are. Although the middle one might be rejecting everyone :s

I have decorted somewhat. I'm not allowed a tree untill December. And I can't do it on my own because the tree is extremely huge and difficult. It is a two person job.

the snowball effect

I already knew how true it was, but it is just plain fact that once things start to roll, they go faster and faster untill they smash into something.

I don't want to smash.

I wish I had someone on the other side to talk to.

mind blown

I was just watching a video clip of a man talking about his role as a father. He was saying that he looked at raising children, and having children, as being entrusted with the responsibility of raising them by God. That they were God's children, and God wanted him to raise them properly...

That hit home. That our kids really aren't our kids, but either God's kids, or our worlds children. Even in a non-religious view of that... you have been given this responsibility to raise these children right. Not for you, not even really for them, but for our society, for mankind as a whole.

I feel very small right now.